The (School) Year in Review

In the course of 8 or so months, I have gone from a happy-go-lucky, confident, happy chica, to a more pessimistic, self-doubting one. I suddenly turned into an adult, but I'm still dealing with the transition. Straddling the line between Angels and Pirates, I've had to ask myself a lot of tough questions, a lot of questions I had asked before but never really answered. Except this time, I had to respond. In finding their "resolutions" I spent many hours crying, trying to figure out what I really wanted and what I really felt. And unfortunately, while pondering those questions, I felt that they contradicted each other and that only way to actually "resolve" them was to compromise one or the other. And I'm okay with that, because it's a logical and straightforward path to what I want. I just wish disillusionment wasn't part of the package.

As new people got to know me, I got to know myself better too. I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was, but there moments when even I was caught off guard. I did the things I said I wouldn't do, I questioned what I believed, and in general, I just proved myself wrong on many occasions. Talents and personality traits that I didn't know existed emerged out of nowhere, and when push came to shove, I began to realize that couldn't live life, living up to anyone's expectations except my own. Cliche, I know, but sometimes circumstance has to slap you across the face before anything seeps in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I entered the melee called college, and maybe I should've looked before I leaped (or at least I should've tried to have had realistic expectations of this year), but in the end, despite and bruises and all the ugliness I saw in myself and in the world, I guess I turned out okay. After all, I did make it to see my sophomore year rite?

Now let's see if I can deal with another year...