I Hate Life. There are too many possibilities and unknowns.

Lately, I've been feeling this more-than-vague sense of mediocrity. It's like the realization last year (when I was applying to colleges) that there are kids who are not only smarter, ranked higher, and more likeable than me but kids who are TONS more so. Except now, I feel it more acutely...

It first occurred to me when I was thinking about med school. Yes, I could get the grades and do awesome on the MCATs (as daunting as that may seem) but what else? What else is going make me an "ideal" candidate (or at least get me an interview with the schools)? What am I going to be a "leader" in? In what facet of my college social life am I going to shine brighter than everyone else? I mean hello! - I'm still trying to find out who I am and what I want out of life, and now I have to excel at the same thing I'm questioning also? WTF?!

I don't know, I've had this sense that maybe I'm not on the right track. That maybe I'm trying to delude myself (and failing). I know I can do Diplo and I can do it well. Whereas Bio seems so hopeless for me, as much as try and try and try. It's not that I don't want to be a doctor, because I do. I really do. But when all the work I put into yields little to no fruit, I have wonder if this is really the path I should be taking.

Okay, so I'm digressing, because Diplo really doesn't have anything to do with my mediocrity and I seriously doubt it'll do much to remedy it, but sometimes I wonder if my chances with Diplo are more promising than med school...

The (School) Year in Review

In the course of 8 or so months, I have gone from a happy-go-lucky, confident, happy chica, to a more pessimistic, self-doubting one. I suddenly turned into an adult, but I'm still dealing with the transition. Straddling the line between Angels and Pirates, I've had to ask myself a lot of tough questions, a lot of questions I had asked before but never really answered. Except this time, I had to respond. In finding their "resolutions" I spent many hours crying, trying to figure out what I really wanted and what I really felt. And unfortunately, while pondering those questions, I felt that they contradicted each other and that only way to actually "resolve" them was to compromise one or the other. And I'm okay with that, because it's a logical and straightforward path to what I want. I just wish disillusionment wasn't part of the package.

As new people got to know me, I got to know myself better too. I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was, but there moments when even I was caught off guard. I did the things I said I wouldn't do, I questioned what I believed, and in general, I just proved myself wrong on many occasions. Talents and personality traits that I didn't know existed emerged out of nowhere, and when push came to shove, I began to realize that couldn't live life, living up to anyone's expectations except my own. Cliche, I know, but sometimes circumstance has to slap you across the face before anything seeps in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I entered the melee called college, and maybe I should've looked before I leaped (or at least I should've tried to have had realistic expectations of this year), but in the end, despite and bruises and all the ugliness I saw in myself and in the world, I guess I turned out okay. After all, I did make it to see my sophomore year rite?

Now let's see if I can deal with another year...

Because We All Know This is Just A Waste of Space Anyway.

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Prologue
Where did you take your default picture?: S.O. train station
What exactly are you wearing right now?: My "Yo! MTV Raps" tee, and pajama bottoms
What is your current problem?: I'm not done with finals yet & my grades took a nosedive this semester.
What makes you most happy?: The moment in time when you know everything in the world is absolutely perfect.
If you could go back in time and change something would you?: Probably. But nothing too significant, even if it sucked. Otherwise, I wouldn't have learned all the important stuff.
Ever had a near death experience?: No, I've been fortunate in that regard.
Name something obvious about you: I'm a girl.
Name something that people might not know about you: I can lie pretty well.
What's the name of the song that you're listening to?: "Your House" by Jimmy Eat World (one of my all time faves)
Any celeb you would marry?: None that I can of right now, though there many I would date....
Name someone with the same birthday as you: Julia Roberts, Bill Gates, Jonas Salk
Do you have a crush on someone?: Eh. Nothing major.
Ever sang in front of a large audience?: Yes, but not by myself.
What do you usually order from Starbucks?: Either a grande skim latte or tall cafe vanilla frap.
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?: No. I would've remembered a lie that blatant.
Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?: Only the ones I used to watch when was I the age of the intended audience.
Do you speak any other languages?: Kind of, but not really.
What magazines do you read?: Vogue. I also bum off Alia's copies of The Week and The Economist.
Have you ever ridden in a Hummer limo?: Nope, but that's okay because Hummers are evil and narcissistic anyway :)
Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?: Not that close.
Do you ever watch MTV?: It's one of my guilty pleasures.
What's something that really annoys you?: The .5 GPA soccer player downstairs and his suite-/roommates. A pretty good taste in music will not endear me to you at 2am Monday morning when I need to be up by 8 for a class I don't want to take.

Chapter 1
Middle name: I don't have one :P
Nickname(s): Lychee
Current location: My desk in my dorm.
Eye color: Dark brown.

Chapter 2
Do you live with your parents: Kind of?
Do you get along with your parents: Usually.
Are your parents married/separated/divorced: They've been together my whole life.
Do you have any siblings: Yes.

Chapter 3
Favorites -
Ice cream flavor: Vanilla/Chocolate (depends on my mood), and Ube.
Season: Autumn and Spring.
Shampoo/conditioner: Totally in love with Garnier Fructis rite now...

Chapter 4
Do You -
Sing in the shower: Rarely, actually.
Write on your hand: Sometimes.
Call people back: I'm usually good about that.
Believe in love: I like to think it exists.
Sleep on a certain side of the bed: Sometimes.
Wear glasses or contacts: Both, just depends on my mood and what I'm doing.
Have any bad habits: We all do, don't lie.

Chapter 5
Have You Ever -
Worn braces: Nope.
Broken a bone: Knock on wood, no.
Had stitches: Again, no.
Taken painkillers: Oh yea.
Gone SCUBA diving: nope
Been stung by a been: Yes. It was semi-traumatic.
Slept with your contacts in overnight: No, not overnight.
Thrown up in a restaurant: Nope (thankfully).
Been to overnight camp: Nope. I was deprived. :(
Sworn in front of your parents: No, I'm careful about that.
Had detention: Haha, yes!!
Been sent to the principal's office: No...
Been called a bitch?: yea
Been called a hoe?: I think I have (in jest)

Chaper 6
Who/What was the last -
Person to IM you?: Julie.
What did it say: She asked me about a Utada Hikaru song we danced to.
Person you hugged: I don't remember.
Person you tackled?: I don't.
Thing you touched: My tablet.
Thing you ate: Pizza
Thing you drank: Mountain Dew Code Red.
Thing you said: "I can't undo that? Oh no!"

Hope you had fun with all that random shit about me :)

Blah Blah Blah.

Life has been interesting, but extremely complicated lately.
And that is all I have to say.

I Blame...

- A.L.F. for encouraging me to renew my efforts in the blogosphere.
- Odin, for adding a tagboard to his blog.
- Everyone else, for posting on Odin's tagboard every 10 seconds.
&
- Myself, for being bored/lazy and not studying for my exams like I should.

For making me so unproductive today (minus laundry).

Really, it's all your fault. I nixed the City today after I realized that I still needed to stick my clothes in the dryer (oh shit...wait - I still have time) and put it off for tomorrow. So yea, I got tired of/ran out of ideas for editing A.L.F.'s layout, and I decided earlier today to abstain from Odin's site until finals are over, so I ended up clicking and shit around blogger, and while 99% of what I saw was crap, I did find something interesting...

• The Sartorialist - Fashion and NYC, what can I say? *shrugs*
• Pirates! Courtesy of El Pacifico - I'm sorry, I just had to. Besides, their pirates look better than ours...

And...that's it.

Disclaimer.

This whole customizing the layout thing is a lot of fun...
But yea, I'm not done. So I might neglect entries while I play with it some more.
It's okay though, it's not like I had anything to say anyway. :P

Fun fact: Diet Pepsi is my crack.

I Decided to Start Over...

So let me reintroduce myself.

I am:
- Elle.
- Rachel Leigh Cook's character in She's All That before she got the makeover.
- Short and sweet and sassy and smart and apparently, very cute.
- The stereotypical shy girl, quiet in the corner with the glasses and the ability to be invisible to the whole room.
- A completely different person with contacts and the right combination of people.
- More aware than I let on.
- An Achtung!, a Herectic, an Angel.
- Somebody's wedding dress designer.
- Single, but not desperate.
- Afraid of disillusionment.
- Afraid that I'm missing out on something important.

But most of all, I am so much more than I could ever say...You'll see.